Yo wassup everyone, fucked up goblin here
Gobling report number #4 - briefing
Today was seemingly uneventful. At first at least. Work was boring. Nothing interesting happening. However one single thing happened that made really. hmm... how to put it? I will explain it. I was talking with my best friend and yeah Im a liability lately and a problem too much to handle. One thing happened that made me really sad. Theres this one friend. My best friend. We were getting along pretty well. That person lost lots of trust in me. Which to some degree was valid and justified. I know I did stupid shit. But to that person?
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Please also remember how much I did for you. I was always there, I never gave up. I was speeding like a motherfucker to get to your house just to be sure I will see you the next day. Whatever has happened - I tried my best to help you. We have our own share of struggles. This happens to everyone. I did everything I could for you. I helped you in Cracow back then. I was always there when you had worse days. We did some interventions for you to help you get trough tough times. You were never alone. And you lose trust in me, because I had a suicide attempt? Well, I get it was hard to take, but to use it as an argument in every possible case? Like thats too much. I know I did and it was a long time ago. And yet I saw from day one you gave up on moving in with me. You basically gave up on me completely. And later on, a new person came into your life that the boundaries you set for me with being mono. Suddenly all of them dissappeared too. Im glad to know you are happy. But please also remember I did my best and I am still trying. I really do care. I really love you still as a friend. I wanna fix this all. But please dont distance yourself from me and dont leave me.
I cannot imagine a life without you, and I havent seen you for such a long time that it hurts. On another note, my whole social life is gone. Nobody invites me out anymore to hang out and nobody visits me ;((
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I wish I was a friend at least one person would desire to care for and stayed with me no matter what. I have like maybe one friend like this but he lives really far away. I basically just work all day and get high later at night. It all sucks. Like I am actively looking for a reason to go on. I am giving up on my life really fast and I dont feel like goin on further as I dont have anyone or anything I could actually care for fully and get the same in retun. I dont wanna go on anymore. In fact I think about ending it all very often daily. I know I did bad stuff. But I did it after I saw people turning away from me ;(( I dont how much longer it could go on. Love? Yeah I wish I had that. There would always be that voice keeping me up. Like the one time I went to the hospital - I got back up and didnt give up cuz I heard her voice and it was wonderful for me to hear it. Its a shame that this voice has a way different opinion on me.
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From the better things? I visited Berry today and we were sewing patches and talking. Simple but it inspired me a ton to go back to arts and crafts again. I've known Berry for 7 years now. They are a wonderful and understanding person. We didnt see each other for months and it was a pleasant reuiniting. Also when I checked my bank account in the middle of the day and I saw some money gone. Which I didnt remember. As it turned out later, I have found a really cheap and good quality Flecktarn field shirt and despite it being a chaotic desicion, then Im happy with it. I also played with my new friends from the office again. We had so much fun!!! Sometimes life really does show you some positives. Well sometimes... Please dont leave me. I care for you and I really am trying my best. Im sorry I was so mean and harsh today. I will probably meet a new friend soon. Turns out there are other trannies in my shithole city. Which is crazy acctually. But maybe a good future? Who knows.
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My days are so full of chaos, and I am so tired. That I keep on changing my moods everyday. One hour I have god complex, the second one I keep on crying and wanna finish myself. Its a mess mess. I will do my best to start my big sewing project tomorrow if I manage mentally to start it. Hopefully yeah. I dont know. Im scared of loneliness. I wanna have friends. Otherwise I end up so isolated from people that It takes a big toll one me.
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Please I beg you all - dont leave me. I will fix myself and be better soon. I wanna be the cool tranny in peoples lifes. Not the miserable one. But at the same time shit like today happens, that I just take drugs at night and stay up really late. They are fucking me up and I will actually be tryin to stop taking them completely. It would make my mind clearer.