Yo siemka wam!
This is my first blog entry, shout out to the wonderful Rose who hooked me up with the ready site. This is probably going to be chaotic for the first time
Its the end of June, troubling times for me really. Chaos and more chaos. Full of chaos. It felt refreshing to always have something happening. However so much happened that I'm slowly growing tired of this. I am struggling both mentally and physically. I have incredible problems staying sober. I havent been sober for a single day for like a month or two. I am so fucking ashamed of myself how much I have went down the wrong path. Self sabotage is a daily for me too. I push my friends away (not intentionally ofc) and I am so incredibly scared of loneliness that this is starting to swallow me whole like a demon made of black sludge in the middle of the ocean. (I feel like as if I was nearing point Nemo). If you are reading this - I love you all. I wish to be a better person for you. I wish to actually be the one friend you can rely on and look up to. I know I strided too far from this road. And the train of downfall is slowly tumbling down the wrong tracks. Either I will reach the next station or I will derail. Hopefully I will manage somehow. Which would be a relief to say the least. Most of these people probably remember real well how much better I used to be. Now nobody trusts me really. I cannot blame them. It is my fault after all. It hurts a lot and Im actively making it worse actually. I know real well that I am the one that should reach out to those friends to ask for help. But I wasted too much of that sincere help and I gotta do something myself now. Therapy and shit. (I also stopped taking my anti depressants [I ran out] and I dont know how I feel. Empty? Like a piece of paper left slightly ignited that slowly withers away). The interventions we were doing with other friends to actually help them move on or make them feel wanted and cared for. Attention seeking kinda but yeah, I wish that someone would have done that for me. The Red Flower Girl actually came by not long ago. But I was a fucking disaster then, and I feel like that interaction fucked up our friendship even more. I care, I really do. I just... I feel like I'm reaching The End of the Line. Im so fucking scared. I realised just how much I started pushing my luck. I dont even realise how much I started speeding. The backroads that in the middle of the night I took while going 80? Yeah now I go 150 there and I push it more than I should. My guardian angel is working overtime and I feel she will retire soon. My fears are slowly fading away. The only thing Im scared of is loneliness and hurting other people. I'm scared so much. Like this is actually the first time in my life that I feel like I'm living in a psychological horror. I started taking lots and lots of overtime - basically all of the hours - just so I dont have time to think too much. I haven't cried for a long time too. But it all is coming back stronger than ever. I cannot stop the stream of tears. The voices are growing louder. Dreams? Yeah I have those, everyone does! But the way towards those dreams? Well.... I... I have those dreams. But right now? Even after being hospitalized not long ago and saying Im scared of death. Right now I wish I was dead so I wouldnt have to put up with this. I want to go to the psych ward, but I dont wanna lose my job (cuz actually someone at work wants me fired apparently... And my supervisor told me I have 3 months to get better [He said that he doesnt know why they are threatening to fire me, cuz he thinks I do a great job. Better than most] but yeah.. Im doing my best and they wanna fire me for some bullshit) and thats why I dont wanna go to the psych ward or hospital. Cuz my employment is at risk because someone wants me fired. I wish everything was better... I dont wanna be sad anymore.. I dont wanna be lonely. I am doing my best everyday, I swear. Im trying to be a better person and a better friend. I am really on the edge now. I feel like 5 more minor inconveniences happen and I will break and ----
I am fighting but this is not a fair fight. I am still fighting trauma after my last breakup, but the girl keeps stalking me and even texts me via the companies network. She is everywhere. I cannot get rid of her. And when I think I cut her off? Her girlfriend texts me, her friends are stalking me. And not long ago - I think in october? - I moved back into my parents place after being homeless and exploited by other people I thought I can trust. It was a bumpy ride when my parents treated this like a REALLY FUCKING BIG mercy from their side to let me move back into their home. They still treat me like shit. They are mad at me that I wanted to kill myself. My father still treats me like shit. And my mother is begging me not to try to kill myself again (They were going on vacation to Greece and didnt want to worry) yeah cuz thats more important. Fucking hell.... I am spiralling here, arent I? But its my blog now! And no one is telling you to read it - punk!It is 21:18 on the r3eally hot summer night of 30th of June and of course. I am not sober. I wasnt since the very morning... ehhh... Im really sorry for what I have became... Thank you all for being with me (I am not dying yet) Just thank you all for putting up with my shit. I am a real big burden now and I know it. Also my ED is getting worse and worse with everyday. I can go days without eating now. Pumping like 800mgs of caffeine daily, mixed with drugs. I feel like a husk of what once was a joyful and passionate Octavia. Am I really even her anymore? I dont recognize that at all.... I am a shame to that name and legacy. Suzy was worse but she is "dead" and she turned into Octavia. And now she is becoming a... how should I put it... I dont know... Just a fucking idiot and a half.
|
Gobling report of 30th of June - over and out! Stay safe everyone. I love you all